I've done wrong.I know I have.
But, I know it will never happen again.
Because I am taking the steps and precautions to make it never happen.
I guess, to be honest, that I'm scared. I know she deserves better. Maybe my brain does bad things so she will see that and go for a better guy. Like in my subconscious....Fucking Freud. Or I could just be really dumb. Which is a high possibility. I want her to go out and meet new people. You cant be with one person all your life. You need to expeirence more...When I write I realize things. Maybe I AM REALLY THE ONE AFRAID! Afraid of actually letting love in to stay, Maybe i have the need to ruin it subconsciously because I think I'm not good enough for it. I think that is it... I have to ruin everything good because I dont deserve it. I undermine anything good I do. Maybe Im mean so noone likes me so I can be alone and hated like I truly deserve. Not a day goes by where Im truly happy. I hate myself and everything I stand for. But if i changed I'd lose everything. Im always sad, I've learned to hide it from anyone and everyone. I don't know who I am. Am I a cheater? Am I a loser? Am I good hearted? I don't want to be evil or cruel, I don't. It hurts me. This mask is clung so tight to me that its taken over me.
I've always felt that something is missing from me... That I need something. That something is a thing I've fought so much and spoken so harshly about. I think it may be a higher power... So I sought out a mentor. Someone to help me understand better. Ms. Tedford was ecstatic when I asked her. I spoke to her today for an hour or so about her experiences and how there can be some proof to the word. She speaks it so truthfully that I can believe her. I seek no help from groups. But she is making a major influence. This is good for me...I think this may be the way out of this dark shell.
I've felt depressed and confused for the past four years of my life. I need a guide.
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